My Limited Self-Realization Experiences – Points

The contents of this post were shared as a public Google Drive PDF document dated 24 May 2023,  https://drive.google.com/file/d/1wXGvGTTck1D3wNFVrSATJAglJdlPCBj4/view . So the date of contents of this post is 24 May 2023.

Associated blog post giving some background: Sharing my limited self-realization experiences - document links, https://ravisiyer.blogspot.com/2023/05/sharing-my-limited-self-realization.html .

Sometime around or slightly prior to 2008/2009, if I recall correctly, I was able to separately experience a changeless awareness part of me as one entity and my mind and mental identity (as Ravi S. Iyer person) as another entity.

Prior to Experiencing Changeless Awareness Part of Me

1.       Prior to me separately experiencing a changeless awareness part of me which is mentioned above, I experienced myself as my mind and mental identity which had changed over time and would continue to change over time. As far as I can recall, I had not identified and experienced a changeless awareness part of me.

2.       Sadhana I did then: I was doing fair amount of reading on Vedanta and Who am I approach, and doing contemplation and meditation. I was also into devotion and seva (service).

3.       I have led a single (unmarried) spiritual aspirant life in Puttaparthi from Oct. 2002 offering free Seva till March 2012. This single life I was leading gave me some time and space to do some amount of contemplation and meditation especially when I was not engaged in seva (like on some holidays/holiday periods).

4.       The parts related to Vedanta and Who am I? approach of Bhagavan Sri Sathya Sai Baba’s live discourses that I heard in Sai Kulwant Hall (in Prasanthinilayam ashram in Puttaparthi) and also his books including books/booklets with his discourse texts, were very helpful to me in doing my Who am I? contemplation and meditation sadhana. This was in addition to the devotion (Bhakti) and seva sadhana that I was doing then. Bhagavan’s teachings of Who am I? inquiry, Die Mind, mind being bundle of thoughts and removing or stopping thoughts to make the mind (temporarily) go away and then experience the Atma were very helpful and inspirational to me then. Another important point from Bhagavan’s teaching in this context, as per my understanding, was that the Atma was Awareness.

5.       Ramana Maharshi and Nisargadatta Maharaj were two other notable masters whose works about Self-Realization I read and contemplated about in this period.

First Experiences of Changeless Awareness Part of Me perhaps in 2008/2009

6.       One day, perhaps in 2008/2009 (I don’t recall the exact year or month), I was contemplating on part of a discourse of Bhagavan Sri Sathya Sai Baba that I had heard live in Sai Kulwant Hall either on that day or a few days earlier. Bhagavan had said “Who am I?” and then answered it as “I am I”. I was on a walk at that time (it was evening if I recall correctly) on the road connecting Puttaparthi to Karnatakanagapalli village. I was thinking about the “I am I” words of Bhagavan. At some point of this contemplation about “I am I” (while on the walk), something clicked and I was able to identify a deeper part of me, an awareness that was different from the mind, that responded to or resonated with the “I am I” words of Bhagavan. If I recall correctly, either then itself or shortly (few days?) after that insight and experience, I further realized that it is an unchanging awareness part of me and a witness which is what the Atma is supposed to be as per my understanding of my readings/listenings on it.

7.       Over later months and years, during meditation sessions, I was able to regularly identify and experience this changeless awareness part within me.

8.       At such times of experiencing the changeless witness part within me, I would also instinctively know that it had been with me all through my life and was an unchanging part of me even then. It was only that in the past I had not separately identified it and had mixed it up with the mind and mental identity (as Ravi S. Iyer person) and so I had felt or experienced that I was this changing mental identity (Ravi S. Iyer) which was attached to my physical body and I could not experience a changeless part or changeless awareness part in me. Note that, based on my readings of Hindu scripture from a young age, I believed from a young age itself that there was an Atma/Self in me which was changeless, eternal etc. but did not have any experience of it.

9.       I also noted that while I could stop thought and switch off the mind, I could never switch off this unchanging awareness part within me. In other words, it was always there. It was an undeniable part of me.

10.   When experiencing this changeless awareness part within me, I felt great peace.

11.   I related these experiences to Hindu scripture and spiritual masters’ teaching about Atma/Self and came to the conclusion that the changeless awareness part within me that I was able to experience was the Atma/Self. But my experience was only a limited experience of it as I only experienced the changeless awareness and ever-present aspects of it, and had some intuitive knowledge but not direct experience that it was eternal (would not die). I had no experience of the aspects of the Atma like it being all-pervading (experiencing that the same Atma was in all) or having great ecstasy (paramananda) or even going into Samadhi (transcending body consciousness).

12.   It also was clear that I continued to have my fair share of human flaws, and that at times I could get into meditation and have a limited experience of the Atma/Self but many times I would be very caught up in my mind and mental identity and go through periods of distress and disturbance. I mean, it was not as if that after these limited experiences of the Atma/Self, I became completely calm all the time and would never get disturbed. So clearly I had a long, long way to go in my sadhana so that I could more easily experience this Atma/Self when I wanted, have deeper experiences of the Atma/Self and get more established in the Atma/Self, and also work on my many human flaws.

13.   These limited experiences of the Atma/Self boosted my faith in Hindu scripture and spiritual masters’ accounts about the Atma as I had experienced a small part of it. My faith about matters like Atma being part of Paramatma which is the supreme divine power that has created, sustains and will destroy the world/universe, and that the same Atma is in all became very strong even though I had had no experience of such matters at all (and still have no experience of it at all).

14.   In 2010, I felt an urge to write about my then understanding of some parts of Vedanta (Upanishads) which (understanding) had improved significantly in the light of the experience I had of the changeless awareness, and share it privately with some friends and family. As Chandogya Upanishad and Tat Tvam Asi Mahavakya in it had been an important part of my study and contemplation, I wrote about my understanding in the context of Tat Tvam Asi related verses of this Upanishad. Some years later, I uploaded this document on one of my blogs (without making any changes to the 2010 document, if I recall correctly): Chandogya Upanishad – Chapter 6 (Dialogue between Uddalaka and Svetaketu) – Some Shlokas, Version 1.0, 27^th June 2010, short link: https://bit.ly/chandogyachap6 , full link:  https://iami1.files.wordpress.com/2015/03/chandogyachapter6someshlokas.pdf . I also put up a blog post having lesser details but based on the above document: Divine revelation gems from Chandogya Upanishad: Chapter 6 (Dialogue between Uddalaka and Svetaketu), short link: https://bit.ly/divinegems , full link: https://iami1.wordpress.com/2018/04/08/divine-revelation-gems-from-chandogya-upanishad-chapter-6-dialogue-between-uddalaka-and-svetaketu/ .

Break in regular meditation practice from 2011 to 2021

15.   The above section covers the period till 2010. I think I was able to continue doing fair amount of meditation till March-April 2011 when Bhagavan Sri Sathya Sai Baba was first admitted to hospital and then bodily passed away in end April 2011. This brought about a lot of changes in my life which made it difficult for me to be regular in my meditation practice. This period where I did not do much meditation continued till mid 2019 (around 8 years), after which I tried to get back into regular meditation (on Divine Awareness which I use to refer to Self/Atma which is part of Paramatma, the Universal Divine Awareness and Creator, Sustainer and Destroyer of the universe). But then we had COVID pandemic from late 2019 which was a major disturbing global event for me and which I followed to a great extent. That stopped my regular meditation practice. I used to still meditate but I was not regular.

Regular, Longer and Deeper Meditation and Experiences of Changeless Awareness Part of Me from March 2022 onwards to now in May 2023

16.   In early 2022, I faced two major health emergencies/challenges where my body could have died. Both times, I was ready for death of my body but death did not come. With love and care from doctors, nurses, paramedical and other staff of hospitals, and loving support from friends and others, my body was able to survive and start on a convalescence journey. This gave me more time. So from March 2022, I started to become more regular in my meditation. This and part of the earlier point are covered in my blog post: Have become regular in divine awareness meditation; Meditation affirmation-and-helper statements that I use now in March 2022 and that I used in the past (May 2019), short link: https://bit.ly/regularmeditation , full link: https://ravisiyer.blogspot.com/2019/05/hope-to-get-back-to-divine-awareness.html .

17.   Since March 2022, I have been able to do a lot of meditation (and japam (chanting) and praarthana (prayer)). I also put up a lot of posts related to my meditation: List of posts on my meditation practice in reverse chronological order (currently from Jan. 2022), short link: https://bit.ly/postsmeditation , full link: https://ravisiyer.blogspot.com/2023/03/list-of-posts-on-my-meditation-practice.html .

18.   I am able to regularly do japam-dhyaanam i.e. chanting and meditation. Usually the meditation sessions can totally (morning and/or afternoon and/or night sessions) be from an hour a day to four to five hours a day. Perhaps on the average, I meditate for a total of one to two hours a day. Days when I do no meditation at all are an exception but there are some such days where I am very busy with some activities not leaving me time to do meditation.

19.   Now I am able to have the limited experience of the Atma as the changeless awareness part of me, quite easily. However, I still get mentally disturbed at times during which times it is very difficult for me to switch off the mind and get into my limited experience of the Atma. Further, if there is significant physical pain or other bodily distress, I cannot get into my limited experience of the Atma. At such times, I take recourse to Namasmarana and prayer to God which gives me some relief or at least boosts my mental strength to face what I have to face.

20.   I have understood that this changeless awareness part of me (Atma) is the very core of my being. From that core of my being, I can flow into the mind and mental identity (Ravi S. Iyer person) and utilize the mind instrument. But even at that time, the core of my being continues to be there, and many times, I can very easily experience it by temporarily switching off the mind.

21.   I can meditate for longer periods than earlier. To be more specific, I can meditate for 1 to 2 hours at a stretch, and if I include short breaks (of 5 to 10 minutes max) to do some short required activity, for up to 3 hours. [Note that this “at a stretch” is a continuous period or near-continuous period and so different from total period of meditation in a day mentioned in an earlier point above.] If I want, I am sure I will be able to extend it to 4 hours easily (with short breaks). During such meditation, for good part of the time, I am experiencing the Atma with mind usually being only slightly active with some chanting of helper statements (like ‘Go deep into (Awareness) I; Dissolve into I’) or mind having no thoughts or inner chanting and thus being (totally?) inactive. But many times during such sessions, I do get involved in some thoughts, which are not for long as I notice them, stop the thoughts and get back to experiencing the Atma/Self which I now view as the changeless awareness core of my being.

22.   I can go deeper into the changeless awareness core of my being experience as compared to earlier but I have not been able to get into a trance (even though I tried hard to achieve it for 9 months to a year in the recent past). At these deeper levels of experience of Atma, I feel deep peace and contentment which is a very satisfying and nice experience. However, I do not have ecstasy or paramananda that some masters and also Hindu scripture speak about, when having (deep) experience of the Atma/Self. So my current Atma experience is clearly limited and needs to become much more deeper for higher spiritual experiences.

23.   I have never been able to switch off the Atma and so it is my experience over many years now that it is ever-present or always there, and I now have very strong faith along with some intuitive knowledge that this part of me (Atma) will never die. That has led to fear of death not really being there.

24.   Even if I do not fear death, my endurance level for pain and bodily distress is not much and so when I face pain and bodily distress, I seek relief typically by visiting the doctor/hospital. At such times, I find it very difficult to switch off the mind and be in the Atma experience state. I would very much like to avoid pain and bodily distress, especially such bodily distress where I become dependent on others (which happened to me in the health emergencies/challenges I faced in early 2022 which are mentioned earlier). So my meditation practice and associated limited Atma/Self experience, so far, have not helped me much when it comes to facing health emergencies and dependence on others at such times.

25.   I am able to quite easily get detached from worldly issues so long as significant bodily pain and discomfort are not there. I view the world as a passing show or as a long waking dream and so do not get much bothered by worldly issues. That does not mean I do not have empathy and do not try to help others when it is feasible for me to help – I certainly do or try to do that. It is just that I do my bit but understand that I have my limitations and that finally it is a passing show and so I should not get overwhelmed by worldly issues.

26.   I have had no experience whatsoever of my Atma being the same as in anybody else. I only have strong faith in the teaching and revelations in scripture and by masters that the same Atma that is in me is in all.

27.   I continue to have my fair share of human flaws which I am working on to control better or remove.

28.   I feel very satisfied that I have regular experiences of my Atma/Self even if they are limited experiences, and I am very convinced that it is my core reality which will endure eternally and outlast the body and the mind. So I feel that to some extent, I know my existential reality (my truth), in other words, to some extent, I know who I really am, and that makes me very happy. Another angle to this is that I know that everything else in life comes and goes – possessions, hobbies & interests, even friends come and go, the body functions start to get weak as one ages, the mind capability also declines with age typically etc. – but the Atma/Self is always there and changeless. From this angle, the Atma/Self is a very precious part or aspect of me that I am so very happy to be able to experience and stay in for some time with quite some ease, any day, so long as I am not facing significant bodily distress.

29.   I would like to have deeper experiences of this reality of my Atma but I am willing to focus on my sadhana for that and leave it to God’s Will whether he will give me those experiences or not.